1. Acceptance of Terms
By visiting this website, adding items to your cart, hovering over the "Add to Regret" button, or even thinking about our bags while lying awake at 2 AM, you agree to these terms in their entirety. Ignorance is not a defense. Neither is "I was drunk." Actually, most of our sales happen when people are drunk. That's still binding.
2. Products
Regret Store sells luxury leather duffle bags, crossbody bags, cowboy hats, and trucker hats. These products are made from full-grain Italian leather, premium suede, and questionable judgment. The words, phrases, and embossments on our products may cause discomfort, unemployment, divorce, TSA flags, estrangement from loved ones, and/or a general sense of "why did I walk through the airport with that." This is the intended function of the product and does not constitute a defect.
3. Returns & Refunds
There are no returns. There are no refunds. There are no exchanges. There are no exceptions. All sales are final. If your bag arrives damaged, that's between you and the shipping carrier. If your cowboy hat arrives and damages your reputation, that's between you and whatever state legislature you wore it to. Either way, it's not between you and us.
4. Pricing
All prices are listed in US Dollars. Duffle bags range from $385 to $495. Crossbody bags are $245. Cowboy hats are $165. Trucker hats are $68. The emotional cost is not included in the listed price and varies by individual. Some users have reported emotional costs exceeding $10,000 in therapy. We are not liable for secondary expenses including but not limited to couples counseling, legal retainers, and reputation management firms.
5. Shipping
You will receive a confirmation email when your order ships. All sales are final — no returns, no exchanges, no exceptions. A "business day" is any day our COO, Derek Liability, checks his email. Historically this occurs 2-3 times per month. We ship from Miami, FL. What happens after it leaves our warehouse is between you and God.
6. Limitation of Liability
Regret Store, its founders, employees, interns (we don't have interns — nobody applied, it's been 9 months), and affiliates shall not be held liable for: job loss, relationship termination, family estrangement, public embarrassment, TSA detainment, viral social media posts featuring you in our merchandise, restraining orders, cease and desist letters from your homeowners association, being asked to leave a Kentucky Derby event, or the general disappointment of your parents.
7. User Conduct
You agree to carry our bags and wear our hats at your own risk. "Risk" includes but is not limited to: being stopped by airport security, having your luggage searched, being asked to leave a trade show, your child pretending they don't know you at school pickup, a hotel concierge complimenting you and then immediately regretting it, and becoming the subject of a local news segment titled "area man causes scene at state capitol."
8. Intellectual Property
All product designs, embossments, slogans, and regrettable phrases are the intellectual property of Regret Store LLC. "Intellectual" is used loosely here. Unauthorized reproduction of our designs is prohibited, although honestly if you're hand-stitching Italian leather in your garage you probably have bigger problems than copyright infringement.
9. Privacy Policy
We collect your name, email, and shipping address. We do not sell your data. We don't need to. The bag you ordered tells everyone everything they need to know about you. The cowboy hat says the rest.
10. Dispute Resolution
All disputes shall be resolved by Derek reading your complaint email aloud to the office while everyone laughs. If you are unsatisfied with this resolution, you may escalate to our CEO, who will also laugh. If you are still unsatisfied, you may contact our legal counsel, Gary Fleischman, Esq., via fax. He will respond within 4-6 business weeks. There is no further escalation path.
11. Modifications
We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time, for any reason, without notice. You reserve the right to be upset about it. Neither of us will do anything about either of those things.
12. Governing Law
These terms are governed by the laws of whatever state our lawyer lives in. We think it's Ohio. We've never met our lawyer in person. He communicates exclusively through fax, which we respect. He's handled all 4 divorce citations, the university ethics inquiry, and 3 trade show bans. His retainer is "unreasonable." He's worth every penny.
13. Contact
For questions about these terms, please email support@regretstore.com. Your email will be received, briefly glanced at, and then archived in a folder titled "lol." Average response time is never. We have 847 unread support emails. That number only goes up.